i weave between the threads of reality, my brain tricking me into believing things that are not true, manipulating me to feel emotions that do not make sense.

but what is it about you that makes me feel that i’m alive when everything else around me is a lie?

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i wish i could be honest with myself too

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tonight

i’m just a little bit lonely. don’t know what this feeling is but tonight i just miss you a tiny bit more than i usually do.

tragic

hello there,

how have you been doing? i hope you’ve been good. it’s been a rather messy period in my life, being caught up in commitments and what not. i’ve been neglecting my interests, prioritising the wrong things and i haven’t really been in touch with myself or my friends. i haven’t been in touch with you. words and actions feel heavy, laden with guilt but i can’t seem to change my perspective on the situation. my only wish is that have no regrets after i step away from these commitments, and so i have to do everything to the best of my abilities now, right?

i guess i’m sad and tired. it feels like it has been a long time since i’ve decided to embark on this journey, and somehow it never gets easier. i guess it’s not supposed to, but i hope life has been good to you, friend. i hope that you’re eating well and drinking more water, and i hope you remember to take care of yourself even (especially) when the world around you is harsh and tiring.

i love you.

just thinking for a bit —

yknow sometimes i think back to the days where i had my internship in adelaide and i’m still amazed at how i managed to pull the whole thing off even though i was dead broke. i don’t know what went through my mind when i applied for it? i’m thinking back and i STILL don’t know what went through my mind… but yknow what i’ll take it HAHHAHAHA it was a miracle and it was amazing and thank you jesus for making my dreams come true

literally half the trip was sponsored by sch/organisations and the other half was me+my relatives+my mama+(special shoutout to shanyi’s mum too) and it was just people giving me money wewewewww it was a real testimony of how God provided la ok

days like these i wonder:

am i allowed to feel bad and wallow in sadness about the things that i’ve done? am i allowed to think back to the times where i felt so alive even though I was actually destroying myself?

it’s so difficult and i keep experiencing emotional dissonance because sometimes i feel so sad and heartbroken but like…i’m supposed to look to God and be thankful, right? it’s just difficult because some days i think back to my previous relationship and i wonder if i’ve really gotten over it, i think back to my past habits and wonder how shiok it’ll feel to pick it up again. some days i just want to cry and smoke one whole pack and bury myself beneath my blankets but all these feelings make me feel like a horrible human being.

sometimes a thought pops into my head about how horrible of a person i am for not loving properly but a small part of me whispers “but i really did love you” and i’m sorry for not knowing how to love and i’m sorry for being the selfish prick that i am. everyone always tells me how i give up my time for others and how i’m so selfless and i’ll take on any job to help others without hesitation but deep down i am so selfish. and i’m sorry i was selfish… i want to tell you that i miss you and i miss our friendship but i think you’ve gone ahead to unlike all my photos after i unfollowed you but i only unfollowed you because there was no other way i would stop posting shit on my igstory for you to see (ya i’m a loser like that). i wish there was another way to do this but i don’t think there was and i’m sorry if that has upsetted you and i want you to know that i didn’t know what else i could do. i never know what to do,

i haven’t been keeping in touch with some of my friends and i feel really bad and guilty, and one of them is flying off this monday and i don’t know when i’ll ever see her again. i’m so irresponsible and i can’t even keep my life together and i keep overloading myself with commitments that i can’t handle but yet everyone thinks that i’ve got it all together, i’m doing great, my grades aren’t bad, woohoo. but deep down inside i know my life is in a mess and i feel so helpless. i’m like on a garbage island and i need to organise all these garbage but i know i can’t and i’m tired i’m tired i’m so tired.

there are a million things i regret and some days i just want to let them consume me. i want to sleep and smoke a pack and let all these drown me.

revelations as of late

1. for a really long time i thought that walking in freedom was simply living without shame, guilt, or doubt about yourself. knowing that there’s a Father who sent His son to cleanse us of all our sins… but walking in freedom in Christ means more than just being free from that. it means not having to worry about your finances, not having to doubt about how you’re gna sustain yourself, not having to think about how things will pan out……this freedom is as much physical/material as it is emotional. Papa wants us to have complete freedom, and that includes providing us with what we need to live on this earth!!
2. what are we without God? what use is the approval of man if we don’t seek first the kingdom of God? it’s funny because i’ve been slowly turning away from Papa and instead i started to seek the approval of those around me. it’s a deep, dark hole but thank God He is pulling me back to Him……day by day. it’s a slow process but i’ll take it.
3. there’s a fear inside of me and i need to find out the root cause of it.
4. it’s been getting harder for me to give thanks hahahha like i just get so lazy to even say a small prayer in my mind…..it’s such a change from when i first started out where i would pray and intercede for people everyday, whenever i felt the prompting to, and i would give thanks randomly in the middle of the day. it’s a habit that i’ve somehow lost and idk why? i’ll just try to inculcate this habit again:–(
5. everything comes from love, and everything goes back to love. reminders to check my heart again and again and again.
6. we gotta trust God when the times are gooooooood so that when times are bad we know how reliable He was, and how reliable He will continue to be (because He never changes. He loves us and His heart for us never changes)

all this was from today!!! been a while since i’ve had such revelations i am so happy!!! thank you papa for speaking so loud and clear to me.

Papa, let me find comfort and security in You, and not in the things that the world seems to offer:–( let my identity be grounded in You and only You, and not how the world sees me. let my insecurities disappear because I am a daughter so loved by You, the King of the most High!!

You love me and nothing beats that, and not even the enemy can steal that away from me. thank You Papa:–) i love You too

the other day someone spoke of you and for the first time in many months i had to grit my teeth and answer questions while pretending that my heart was not exploding from sadness and some days i wonder if things will ever get better.

and these days the people around me seem to be drudging to make their days better and it somehow never becomes better and my heart breaks and my heart breaks my heart just breaks and i want to cry alongside them but i don’t know how to react and i don’t know what to say and every time i ask Papa to put the right words in my mouth…..nothing comes. what am i supposed to do?

i was reading this book called ‘translating god’ by shawn bolz (gifted to me!! from a very nice person) and on the bus i couldn’t stop crying and crying because i saw how shawn bolz translated God’s love into something so tangible. it’s not perfect but it’s a glimpse and oh my gosh my heart just broke for everyone who has been striving for the gifts and they strive and try but that’s not the point…….love is always the point. it is the start, and the end, and everything in between.

and also i am tired of anticipating losses…….loss of relationships loss of sleep loss of sanity loss of emotional capacity. i am tired and i am sad too and i just wna wallow in my sadness like how i used to all those months ago. i just want to curl up and cry and just cry and cry and cry until i have no tears left but honestly i don’t even have the time to do that. i dont even have time to talk to someone about the things that are eating me inside out (more like i don’t rlly have anyone to tell it to at the moment since everyone is so preoccupied with their own things).

but i just want to say that i am so scared of losing people and i don’t want to lose anyone any more because it has been so painful losing people all the time and my heart hurts so fucking much whenever i see a potential loss occurring. my heart breaks when i see my friends find better friends because i am so happy that they’ve found someone better but does this mean that they’re gna leave me soon? does this mean that i’ve finished my part to play in their lives? i was trying to convince myself in the shower that i can just see it as how i have my meals — just because i don’t eat char kway teow all the time doesn’t mean that i don’t like char kway teow, just because my friends don’t talk to me all the time doesn’t mean that they don’t like me. but i don’t know. i can’t seem to accept this analogy no matter how hard i try.

i am very tired and sad and i can’t stop crying so i am going to sleep.